| Dear Mr. President Bush, On
the occasion of your glorious inauguration next week for the second
term of your presidency, I would like to congratulate you and offer you
my full and total support. As a patriotic American and a fellow Yeehaw Texas
who lives a little ways from Crawford, your homestead, I would like to
offer you my services and some ideas to help you resolve some of the
problems facing your great nation. Although I said in the
title of the letter � I found it, I found it,� my name is not Issac
Newton and no, I am not Jewish and by no means I am a physicist. My name is Riad Elsolh Hamad, an Arab and a Muslim from Albasta Alfowqa in Beirut, Lebanon
and the only thing that is common between Mr. Newton and I, is the fact
that like him, I had to chop off a slice of my 4 inches Arab biological
weapon that I was born with in a process called circumcision. The biological weapon that we the Arabs and Muslims are using to take over the world through voting booths and democracy. The blessed democracy that you are bestowing on my brothers and sisters in Iraq
with to elect elderly Shia clerics. The Shia clerics who will make sure
that just like Iran, the elections at the end of this month are the
first and last elections that will be held after we liberated these
heathens from our crony and lackey the butcher of Iraq Saddam. As
I said, my name is Riad Elsolh Hamad and my son has a completely
different name than mine in pronunciation and spelling and my son and I
are 32 years apart in age. Still a lot of people here in Texas
do not seem to recognize the differences between the two of us in age,
height and weight and they still call both of us the same name. My
son and I are still called: � Camel jockeys,� � Sand niggers,� � towel
face,� and � camel herders despite the fact that none of us has ever
lived in a desert and the first camel I ever saw was in the San Antonio Zoo
in Texas. This is despite the fact that I have lived her for 34 years and paid more income taxes than Texaco and Exxon ever did. Please
excuse me for providing you with economic advice since we �Ayrabs� are
only good enough for gas stations, grocery stores and falafel stands.
This is despite the fact that the average Arab in the United States
earns 5000 dollars annually more than the average American and has at
least two years of college education more than the average Americans.
We left economic policy to our cousins, the children of Abraham, the
Zionist Jews to make sure that that they allocate billions of dollars a
year to support the � only democracy in the middle east, israel.� The billions that we still send to kill men, women and children and destroy homes of Palestinian Arabs regardless of the
negative consequences of such policies on our interests in the Arab and Muslim worlds. Dear Mr. President, From
what I have been reading in the news there are several major policy and
executive issues that you have to deal with and allow me to summarize
below as follows:
1) The social security fund and its ability to provide services for the elderly beyond the year 2020. 2) The Medicare and Medicaid funds and their ability to fund increasing medical services for the growing elderly population. 4) The
highest ever trade deficit that is growing despite the lowest value for
the dollars in more than 10 years. Simply because the Chinese laborers
are able to produce goods at a lot cheaper wages than our overpaid and
overfed labor force and still save 40 percent of their wages. 5) The
tax breaks that you promised us grateful Americans who voted you in
office in order to extend the tax deductions that you bestowed on us
during your first term. This is despite the fact that the government
could not afford it and had to borrow money to finance such tax
deductions. 6) Drop
in sales tax revenue on the state and city levels thus forcing
reduction of services and degradation of infrastructure such as
bridges, roads and hospitals. 7) High unemployment and hidden employment due to the outsourcing of jobs to China and India. 8) The inability of the armed
forces to meet its recruitment quotas and forcing the reserves to extend the tour of duty to grumbling young men and women. In addition to the cost of hiring �private contractors� to do the work that cheap black, Latino and minority troops can do. 9) A dramatic increase in Veterans Administration spending on medical benefits for retired military personnel from the Korean War, Vietnam War and Gulf War I. 10) The
housing crisis that is forcing the government to spend hard earned tax
money of providing shelter to undeserving low- income blacks and
Latinos.
Ok,
I will stop right here since I know that you do not like to hear bad
news and that is why you do not watch television and you depend on Dick Cheney to give you a summary of the rosy picture of the state of our nation. My
proposal is very simple and would not require legislation and between
your leadership and the wisdom of our Secretary of Defense Donald
Rumsfeld it can be done with a little disinformation campaign. The
disinformation campaign that your government was successful in
executing to justify the war in Iraq and the so called � War on Terror.� The proposal is to draft the elderly who are over 65 years of age and know how to read and write. A General Education Diploma, GED will suffice and there will be no need for the burdensome high school diploma. Why the draft and why the elderly? The answer if very simple and if you give me five minutes of your time, I will make you a believer. First,
when you draft the elderly they will not have the energy to demonstrate
or rally since hell, they need some one to hold on to in order to pee
in the bathroom. The elderly cannot demonstrate since a
lot of them are in wheel chairs and we can always have the police
arrest them for blocking the traffic and disturbing the peace just like
the New York
City Police Department and the Austin Police Department did to the anti war demonstrators. Those bastards. Only if they knew of your grand plans for Iraq, the so called Middle East and the flourishing economy. Secondly,
the young men and women in America would love the idea of drafting the
elderly because that will mean that they do not have to serve in the
armed forces and go to Iraq.
Also, this will mean increasing their chances on putting hands on the
inheritance they have been waiting for and can hardly wait for their
parents and grandparents to kick the bucket. I will wager you that the
day you declare the draft for the elderly, you will poll rating will be
the highest ever and the highest ratings of any president in the
history of the United States. Now,
what will this executive order do to your plans for the economy, the
war in Iraq and the possibility of your running for office in 2008. Yes
in 2008 jus bear with me. 1) The social security benefits will not be necessary as the elderly will be receiving stipends as recruits. Our
rubber stamp Republican Congress, just like the Saddam era parliament
will pass legislation that will ensure that the elderly cannot receive
draft time stipends and social security benefits at the same time. The
positive impact of reducing the social security payments on the budget
is about 20 percent of our federal budget or about 450 billion dollars
a year. http://encarta.msn.com/media_461566684/U_S_Government_Spending.html
3) The
federal deficit will not be an issue any more since the annual deficit
of 500 billion dollars will be covered with the savings in social
security spending, cuts in Medicare and Medicaid. As a matter of fact, the total spending on
these 3 large spending program is about 900 billion dollars annually
which means you will actually end up with a surplus that will dwarf the
surpluses of the guy before you who abused Monica Lewinsky sexually. With
such a surplus you will see tens of millions of people on the street
demonstrating to demand the amendment of the constitution to allow you
to run for at third term. Demonstrations that will let those damn communists and hippies who demonstrated against your wise decision to liberate Iraq cry in shame. The surplus can be used to modernize our military and prepare for your great vision of liberating Iran and Syria and expanding the values of our great democracy 4) The
trade deficit will not be an issue since the draft and the eventual
demise of the old farts will lead to new economic realities. We are going to send the elderly to Iraq
to fight and get killed which will allow our young people to put their
hands of more than 8 trillion dollars in personal wealth of the total
11 trillion personal wealth in the United States. http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-soi/98pwart.pdf If
I know our young people well, they will go out and spend it and buy
goods and services inside the country and stimulate the local
economies. Bars and restaurants will be doing booming business which
will generate domestic economic activity that will rock the pants of
those girliemen Democrats. The people of the world will regain
confidence in our economy and start pouring their savings here which
will eliminate the departure from the dollar and the reduction in the
trade deficit. 5) The
tax breaks will be affordable now with the budget surpluses and would
not be even probably necessary as the young people of the United States
will be spending their inheritance and enjoying wealth like they have
never had money before. Besides, the government will
receive taxes on the distributed wealth that will even increase the
budget surpluses by hundreds of billions of dollars. 6) The
spending by our young people of more than 6 trillion dollars in wealth
and the multiplier effects of such wealth will increase sales tax
revenues for the states. New sales tax receipts will
allow our local governments to build more bridges and highways to
enable our young people to drive their SUVs and Hummers purchased with
their new acquired wealth. There will be no need for building new
hospitals as the elderly will be dead and gone and medical services
will not be necessary. As a matter of fact, it could be
an economic boon since funeral homes will be busy, lumber companies
will be busy making coffins that the unemployment rate will drop so
much, Congress might have to pass your great immigration bill. The
bill that will allow cheap Mexican labor to come and work in the United
States so our companies do not have to pay higher minimum wage, social
security or health benefits. 7) The
new wealth and the way our young people will spend it surely will
create the jobs that our economy will need to reduce unemployment. We
might even have to open training schools in order to make sure that we
have enough specialists to pierce tattoos, stick needles to draw
tattoos and teach the latest combinations of mixing alcohol to our
descendants. Unemployment will be a thing of the past and will require
Congress to pass laws to allow new laborers to come and work in the
United States by the millions. I guarantee it just like president Nixon
removed the gold standard from backing the dollar and backed it with
confidence in the great American people. 8) The
drafting of the elderly will put to rest once and for all the problem
of finding recruits for our armed forces since any man or woman who
turn 65 years of age will be drafted. They will be
drafted into the army when they walk in the social security office to
apply for benefits or they will be collected from the addresses on the
envelopes that they applied for benefits from by federal marshals. Our Congress will make sure to rubber stamp laws to impose sanctions on any nation, Canada or otherwise, that will grant refuge for any absconding rascals.
9) The Veterans Administration will be shut down since all the individuals it is serving now will be in Iraq, Iran, Syria, Afghanistan, France and any nation that dares oppose your wise leadership. The
leadership that does not make mistakes and so foolproof that 59 million
Americans voted for you in the latest landslide election. 10) The
housing crises for the poor in the country will be resolved as many of
them will have inherited the homes of their elderly parents and
grandparents. Black and Latinos will be employed now
since the booming service economy will require many more butlers,
cooks, drivers and hotel maids with good tips. The young
people will be traveling so much spending their newly acquired wealth
that housing might be a thing of the past. Just like our moral values.
Mr. President, I
hope I did not intrude on your privacy very much since I know that you
do not like long burdensome readings on policy and administration. However, I trust that your aides who were instructed not to allow the secret service look you in the eye, the day of the
inauguration will brief you on this important document. This
policy that can be implemented through an executive order since
Congress will not be required and since you are in your second term,
you will not have to worry about votes of the elderly. Even
if the constitution is amended due to your great successes and you want
to run again, with Diebold voting machines and Clear Channels radio
stations to push your agenda to the public, who needs campaigning and
polls anymore. Who needs elections to that matter. The Jewish vote
will not be necessary or influential any more since most of the elderly
in Florida and California are Jewish and will be happily defending our great nation in Iraq. God bless George Bush, the great president of the United Stats. God bless his wise leadership and may he live to serve us 12 more years. Hail to
the Chief.
Riad Hamad Austin, Texas.
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